Aussie Trouser Snake - An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines. The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak". The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...! "
Psychological Christmas Songs - SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense! PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell.... BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me... (and then took it all away).
Lisping Midget - A midget with a heavy lisp goes to a horse farm to purchase a horse. The owner of the farm takes him through to look at all of his horses. The owner is really getting pissed off. Finally, the last horse and the midget decided that he really wanted this horse. So he ask the owner if he could lift him up so he could look at the horses eyes. The owner did as the midget asked, and the midget said " Oh my, thse got very pretty eyez". Then the midget ask if he could lift him up so he could see her teeth, Then the midget said "Oh wow, thse got wonderful teeth. Then the midget ask if he could see her twat. The owner, being very pissed,picked him up, and rammed him in and out of the horse's twat. The midget looked up at the owner and said. "Oh my, yes she does have a very fine twat, but I guess I thoud have asked to see her gallop."
Men & Public Toilets! - Ok guys, own up...which one are you? Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger. Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not. Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later. Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy. Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink. Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot. Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do. Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants. Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing. Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering. Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing. Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him. Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later. Learned Type Reads a book or newspaper while peeing. Childish Type Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing. Efficient Type Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time. Strong Type Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops. Drunken Type Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers. Embarrassed Type Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers. Cock-Eyed Type Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.
FROG - What did one Lesbian frog say to the other Lesbian frog? You know what...we DO taste like chicken!
Learning to Cuss - Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say ass' and I'll say hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
How the Angel got on the tree! - One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
The Old Drunk - Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close. Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn't been assigned this crap detail he'd be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was "on point" now. The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car. Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old man's car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, redlights and loudspeaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbors to know the city was doing it's job. "Outta the car, old man!" demanded Redding. "But officer, I haven't had anything to drink!" complained the old boy. "Sure, you haven't, oldtimer, sure you haven't", replied Redding as he put the cuffs on the old guy and hauled him downtown. At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer and the needle didn't move. "What the...YOU haven't been drinking, old timer!" But that's what I tried to tell you back there, officer!" "Well then why were you stumbling all over the place?" asked Redding. "Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the 'designated drunk' when the place closed down!"
Bill Clinton & the Genie - One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill "You have one wish." Bill Clinton cried "But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!" "Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you," replied the Genie. Bill Clinton thought hard and said "Bring peace to the middle east." He took out a map to show the Genie. The genie said "Nope. Can't do that choose another wish." This next wish came up right away. "I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do" The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly "Um...can I take a look at that map again?"
More Brains Than Dogs - Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs? So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.
God and Gay People - If God had wanted people to be gay... he would've made Adam & Steve instead of Adam & Eve.
My King Henry joke - Q: What would king Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now? A: Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!
Helen Keller - How do you confuse the heck out of Helen Keller? You glue doorknobs to the walls.
Witch - What do you call a witch at the beach? I don't know? A sand-witch!
Yo Momma is so fat - Yo Momma is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyone and got stuck.